This Isn't the Way it's Supposed to Be

I wrote this piece for an audition to participate in a local production of Listen To Your Mother (LTYM) which was created by Ann Imig and held annually across the country.  LTYM gives motherhood a microphone, giving people from all walks of life a chance to share their stories regarding the many different sides of motherhood.  My story wasn’t chosen for our local production of LTYM this year, but that’s ok, there is always next year and there are more stories for me to tell if I choose.  If this story helps even one mother in some way, then I feel it has done its job.

This piece has been writing itself for 7 years, 7 years before I even had the courage to share or the opportunity, or for it to be finished, only to realize it will never be finished.  I wrote this piece in my head and in my heart long before I ever touched a keypad.  It is real, it is truthful, it is a story…..my story and I am ready to tell it. 

“This Isn’t the Way It’s Supposed to Be”

“I’m pregnant” I said to my husband one early morning in September of 2008, from that moment on my life would be forever changed.  The moment the words left my lips I knew instinctively that the baby growing inside me was a girl.  From then on I knew what to expect, the nausea, the cravings for onions….but only from McDonalds and only on a cheeseburger, the swollen ankles, even the complications but what I didn’t know was that depression was also right around the corner.  I had a “normal” pregnancy with my son just the previous year, no signs of pregnancy depression or post-partum depression so I had no idea of the emotional rollercoaster that was heading my way.  For the first few weeks after we found out I was pregnant we just sat on this piece of information thinking it was just a dream that we would wake up from, or that maybe the home pregnancy test was wrong.  I mean how could it be right, weren’t we the same couple who had just been told by a fertility specialist that our chances of conceiving on our own were pretty close to zero? Weren’t we the same couple that endured shots and nasty hormone therapies just to have our son?

Slowly we began telling people of our news; I remember telling my best friend, sitting on my couch while my son played at our feet.  Immediately she sensed something wasn’t right, she sensed the lack of excitement in my words, she knew what was happening.  As we told more people I remember thinking “maybe now it will seem real”, only that never happened just as it still didn’t seem real at the ultrasound or when I first felt my baby move.  As the pregnancy progressed family and friends were getting more and more excited, and all I could think was “why am I not excited?”  I vividly remembered the way I felt when I was pregnant with my son, how happy I was; wasn’t that the way every pregnancy was supposed to be?  As the months continued zipping by and my belly continued to grow my feelings of disconnect for the baby girl I was carrying did also.  There was no excitement or happiness; instead there were growing feelings of sadness and despair.

I wasn’t able to share my feelings with anyone except my husband and my midwife.  The little bit I did share was greeted with a “oh you’ll be fine” or “don’t worry everything will be OK” even “just wait until you see her”; all I wanted was to say “FUCK can somebody, anybody justify my feelings, can’t anyone see I’m drowning here”?  This was not an enjoyable way to spend any amount of time, especially not during the 9 months of carrying an innocent baby.

At last, the day came, May 14 2009, a day I was dreading and looking forward to at the same time.  I was scheduled for a C-Section and hoped that everyone who had been reassuring me was right, that the minute I saw my baby girl all those feelings I had would disappear and be replaced by feelings of love and joy.  Instead, the first time I saw her over the curtain in the OR she spit up all over me….not quite the blissful moment I had been hoping for.  After an uneventful hospital stay and my husband being home for a week, I was alone.  Alone with her, (and my son) you see I was ok as long as there were other people around, people to do all the things I should’ve been doing.  Holding her, changing her diaper, snuggling her late at night, now it was all me.  Only thing was I had no desire to do those things, I mean how could I after all I didn’t even like her?  Still the whole time day in and day out I kept hoping these feelings would disappear, you know after the sleep deprivation wore off, or I got used to a new schedule, or heck even while nursing her…..all this time I was hoping that these feelings of drowning into this emotionless relationship would disappear, knowing that they weren’t “normal”.  Instead of magically disappearing I was the one who disappeared, becoming like a robot just going through the motions.

There were parties, and meeting friends, holidays and family dinners, conversations and silence and through all of these nobody could hear me crying out “HELP”.  People would say “oh she’s so cute” or “how is she sleeping” all the familiar nice things that are always said when a baby is born.  All I wanted was someone to say “how are you” and the courage to answer them honestly.  That moment never came, so instead I continued to “fake it until you make it”, all of the smiles, the happiness, the jokes…all faked, which can be quite tiring on an already sleep deprived depressed mother.  This manner of faking it continued, and continued, yes there were occasional moments when I could let my guard down and say how I was really feeling, what was really going on but they were few and far between. 

With every passing milestone, every fleeting day, I would hope this would be the one thing that would snap me out of this funk.  Yes, there were counseling efforts made but when it came time to decide to pay my counseling copay or buy my baby the specialized formula she now needed I paid for the formula.  As the days passed there were moments I could see the old Michele returning, the Michele who cared about other people, and the Michele that felt pretty after a haircut.  It’s hard to say when exactly these feelings left, or if they really have just turned into feelings of acceptance.  Acceptance that she is my daughter, she is stubborn, hard headed, loving and helpful.  She is smart and loves her family, she likes to dance and cuddle, she is just like me. 

The thing I remember hearing during this time was “how can you not love her”, “how can you not see her as your daughter”, as if I could control it or caused it.  The one thing I do not remember hearing was “it is OK not to love your children the same exact way” or “you are going to feel overwhelmed” or even the truth “depression is a chemical imbalance, lets help you”. 

There is so much more to my story, so many more feelings, so many more details that I haven't revealed yet.  There are days when I think I beat postpartum depression, that I am a Warrior Mom, and there are days I find myself reliving all those emotions and feeling guilty, days when I think I haven't beat this but rather it has just become part of who I am.  Recently (2016) someone, a family member blamed me for causing my postpartum depression and said "you wanted children so badly", as if I had a choice in how I felt in the months and years after my daughters birth.  The pain and the guilt may never go away, but I will fight until my last breathe for my daughter and to resolve the feelings I felt and the depression I feel everyday as a result of her pregnancy and birth, that I promise

On June 18, I will be participating in a local Climb Out of the Darkness  to support Postpartum Progress and raise awareness of post-partum depression.  This post and this walk are the first time I have talked about and acknowledged my struggles with both my pregnancy depression and subsequent postpartum depression publicly.  I hope that someday these subjects won’t be hushed and “brushed under the rug” or have such a negative taboo around them, but rather spoken about in a healthy way.  I hope that this post helps make a difference to even just one mother, or anyone who know someone that may be suffering in silence.  Please consider clicking on the above link and making a donation to help spread the awareness of postpartum depression.

Edit: This post was edited to reflect the 2016 climb and appropriate links

BrickFair is coming to Boston!!

That's right, you read correctly BrickFair is coming to Boston!! On May 21 & 22 BrickFair will be at the Royal Plaza Trade Center in Marlboro, MA. There is no age limit for this event just like the is no age limit for those who enjoy building with Lego's.  Strollers are bot allowed at this event but wearing of comfortable shoes is strongly encouraged!! 

BrickFair is held a few times a year in various parts of the country.  All the models are built by Lego fans and Lego paraphernalia will be for sale at these events.  My children love building and creating  with Lego blocks (and the grown-ups too).  This event is not to be missed by any Lego lover of any age!! This event will be sure to elevate your parental status to SUPER PARENT!!!

I have 2 codes which will get you and 3 people in to BrickFair on May 21 or 22, to enter head over to The Little Things Facebook page and tell me how your family use Lego's to build and create!!!






I received 4 tickets to BrickFair for promoting this event on my blog, all opinions are my own

The Corner Bakery Cafe...not your Grandmother's Cafe!!!!!

 

 

When you hear the word bakery what comes to mind?  Cupcakes, brownies, cookies…..what about the word café?  Maybe some lite sandwiches, a few seasonal soups and that is all…..Well, not at the Corner Bakery Cafe, this is not your grandmothers bakery OR café!!!!  Recently I was invited along with a few blogger friends to visit a new Corner Bakery Café in Middletown, RI (right near Newport, RI) for a sampling of several menu choices.  Upon entering the Corner Bakery and Café I noticed how bright and airy the Café was, with plenty of seating you and your bestie could certainly catch up or they could accommodate that company luncheon you have been meaning to schedule!!!!  After hearing a little about their philosophy and their commitment to fresh and tasty food our sampling began!!!!!

                                                                     They can cater your next event too!!!!

Who doesn’t like breakfast for dinner occasionally?  At Corner Bakery Café you can order breakfast at any time of the day, not just during normal breakfast hours!!!!  The pancakes that were served to us were so lite and fluffy, not to mention they melted in your mouth!!!!  Oh, did I mention that they are served with bacon also?? The children in your life would love an order of their chocolate chip pancakes I’m sure??

 

Once we were done with our breakfast next came some lunch!!! We were given what is known as “The Trio”, a smaller portion of three favorite menu items.  Ours had the DC Chicken Salad, Lemon Orzo Soup, and Quinoa Tabbouleh.  The chicken salad was perfectly dressed, and tasted fresh and lite with just the right amount of crunch.  Lemon Orzo Soup was refreshing, tasty and filled with not only chicken but fresh vegetables, it quickly went on my list of items to order the next time I visit.  It was not over yet, we were also given the Spicy Asian Pork sandwich to taste, as taste we did.  I could taste the freshness of the vegetables, the crunch of the “slaw”, and the softness of the bread…well the bread alone could have sustained me for days.

 

By the time our “dinner” was served I was beginning to get full!!! But once I saw the Pesto Chicken Cavatappi I quickly decided I had enough room!!!! As a pesto fan I love the chance to taste anything that has pesto as an ingredient.  This dish didn’t let me down, the pesto taste was not overwhelming the way some pesto can be, it was very lite tasting and the creaminess of the dish blended perfectly with the pasta, think of it as an adult version of macaroni and cheese.  The pieces of chicken were plenty and cooked perfectly in order to hold the creamy pesto sauce.

So, are you hungry yet?  You are probably thinking “what about the bakery”?  Well, they did not let us leave without taking a few of their yummy cupcakes to share with our families and judging by the reaction from my children they were as tasty as they looked (I think I had a small taste).  There are currently a few of these restaurants across the state with more planned as the year goes on, but this location in Middletown is certainly a nice family alternative to the hustle and bustle of Newport. 

Did I mention that they gave me a gift card for a giveaway to a lucky reader so you can sample some of the delicious food that Corner Bakery Café serves anytime of the day!!!  All you have to do is leave a comment about what your favorite breakfast food is and 1 winner will be randomly chosen on August 7, 2015!!!!!

A Photo Session for Me

Having a neighbor who is a professional photographer has its advantages. Like when she wants to practice some new techniques and asks you to be her model, this is exactly what happened on a recent evening.  Stephanie is the owner of StarLight Photography which is based in North Kingstown, RI. She specializes in weddings, but also does a variety of photography including family portraits, children’s photo sessions and glamovers.  She is very professional and will offer you different suggestions so that your photo session goes smoothly and the pictures come out beautifully. 

On the particular evening she photographed me she did what I called a “mini glamover”.  She did my hair and makeup in such a way that made me still look like me, just fancier.  I wore my own clothes so I was comfortable and natural looking.  Stephanie photographed me outside as the sun was setting, which gave my pictures a glow and look that I like.  Now for the actual pictures, I will let them speak for themselves….

 

                                          This is one of my favorite pictures, I love the way
                                          the sun is just setting, and gives off the glow that I
                                          mentioned earlier.

 

                                        I love photographs taken by the water.  All of the photos

                                        in this post were taken right outside of a residential
                                        community in North Kingstown, RI.

Happy Birthday Zoe!!!!

As I sit writing this I have a five year old, when it is published I will have a six year old….six how can it be?  Wasn’t it just yesterday I was waking my husband up at five in the morning to tell him I was pregnant, wasn’t it just yesterday I was figuring out my due date, making sure it want going to be the same as my first born?  On May, 14 2009 at 12:56 we went from a family of three to a family of four.  We went from having one car seat to two, from a single stroller to a double, from one crib to two all this happened six years ago.  From the moment I found out I was pregnant I knew I was having a girl, I knew her name was going to be Zoe Elizabeth, that is until Mr. O suggested we change her middle name to Laura after my grandmother.  This change made her the fourth generation to carry the name Laura in my family, the initial “L” was also after my recently deceased grandfather, and his middle name was Leo.

Wasn’t it just yesterday that we decided to take both children on vacation when she was just 3 months old, or that we were fighting with our then pediatrician to get to the bottom of her constant crying and belly troubles?  That first year was tough; we were struggling to find our new dynamic, struggling to afford the new formula our daughter had to be on because of her milk allergy, struggling through my postpartum depression.  That first year went by too fast, and the subsequent years have gone even faster!!!

The past six years have been filled with laughter and tears, achievements and disappointments, love and loss, struggles and achievements.  There have been vacations, dance classes, fights over clothes, painted nails and skinned knees.  Zoe can dress the part of a dainty little girl, but don’t let that fool you; she is a child who knows what she wants and will argue a point with you until she is blue in the face…..reminds me of someone else I know.  She loves to dance and twirl, but she will also climb on top of a rock like all the boys do, she will ask for me to paint her nails and then go dig for worms in the mud with her dad.  She has gone from a child who didn’t care for books as a toddler to a child who will “read” to herself or her dolls.  Often times you can hear her before you ever see her, she will notice every car that drives by or when the neighbor walks their dog which has earned her the title of “Mayor” in our little neighborhood.  Everyone wants to be her friend, but she will only play with a few children that she chooses.

She is the reason I have more gray hairs, more laugh lines, and more silliness in my life.  Recently she has begun calling me princess as in “Let’s go princess it’s time for ballet” when asked who the queen is she says “me of course”.  She can bring a room of adults howling with laughter, which has prompted her own hashtag #thingszoesays that I started as a way to keep others laughing along with us.  Often times I will preface a statement regarding something she has said or done with the phrase “I couldn’t make this up if I tried” and it’s true.  Recently when she realized that her brother keeps a magazine or books that he is reading under his pillow she began doing the same thing only she keeps a book, crayons, paper dolls, and even a pair of children’s scissors amongst other things.  Every day as her mother is an adventure.

I don’t know what the future holds for her or me, or anyone for that fact but I do know that whatever she decides to do with her life she will ROCK at it.  Zoe has an unbelievable spirit that makes her who she is, she is the best of everything Mr. O and I possess in us.  So, HAPPY BIRTHDAY ZOE, as I said on Facebook yesterday, the world is yours go out and get it!!! xoxo Mama

 

                                                                        May 14, 2009

                                                                    May 2012

May 14, 2015

The Legacy of an Angel

I want to share a love story with you, not a love of story of adults but rather of a mother and her child.  In January of 2011 a dear friend of mine and her husband were anxiously awaiting the birth of their daughter who would be named Sofia, Sofie for a nickname.  In the early morning hours of January 26^th Sofie was born, and what was supposed to be the happiest moment of their lives quickly turned into the most frightful.  Sofie was born with a traumatic brain injury, and many measures were taken to save her life, but unfortunately on February 15^th 2011 Sofie gained her angel wings.  Soon after Sofie was born her mother Lori shared her life with many people through Facebook and quickly a community of people from all over the world came together praying, wishing, and hoping for the miracle that Lori, her husband Mike and Sofie needed.  Through her birth many people formed friendships, reconnected with old friends and joined together with the community of people who wanted nothing but a miracle for this family.

After Sofie’s death her parents created Team Sofie Chapter 2 as a way to keep Sofie legacy of love alive.  I have been a proud member of Team Sofie since it began, helping to share the life,love and story of not only this little girl but also of her amazing family.  This year to honor what should have been Sofie’s 3^rd birthday her parents have launched the "Find the Love" Project, the 21 day photo project will encourage all participants to take a moment each day focus and find the love that is all around.  Will you help spread Sofie’s message of love?

Not always so little

When I first decided to start writing a blog my hope was to point out all the little things that can go without realizing in our daily lives, the things that make our days easier, our lives simpler, our time more valuable.  The little things that can sometimes make you stop and say “at least….”.  When I first set out to write a blog I was a mom of 2 toddlers, I was a mom of 2 toddlers who were home with me all day, I was a wife of someone that was healthy, that had a fairly decent job, I was worried about our future (as all moms are) but knew things would get better, that we would move to a better house, a better community, that our children would go great schools (this is where being a teacher and a mom sucks) there was hope. 

 Today I am a mom of 2 children who attend school (one part-time preschool, one full time first grade), I am a wife to a husband who never knows when a seizure will strike (despite being on medication),  I am trying to hold my world together while falling apart inside, we are in a new house that we prematurely thought was going to be a great move for us and turned out to be not so great, my children are in great schools with amazing teachers who love them, we like so many American’s are fighting a losing battle with the economy.

 As I sit typing this Mr. O is preparing to take a leave of absence from work again (code: go back to on TDI) to focus on his health, something I know he has to do but at the same time scaring the life out me, leaving me with more questions than answers, leaving me more stressed than reassured, leaving me more short tempered with my children than I ever wanted to be.  I’m not writing this down because I’m looking for sympathy, or looking for a shoulder to cry on, I’m writing this down because it is what is in my heart right now.

 Right now all of the little things have added up to one big thing, a big thing that is completely out of my control, a big thing that has me worried.  So for now instead of taking one day at a time I need to take one hour at a time and if that is too much than I will cut it down and take 15 minutes at a time. I will try to make sure my children aren’t aware of the craziness that is happening around them, make sure that they always come first, make sure that I try to find at least one little things each day to be thankful for.