Pain Is Real

When it comes to things I know, I know a lot, I know the sun will rise, I know that my children will love me even when I have had a rough day, I know that my bestie will always make me laugh, and I know pain.  I am not referring to the pain you feel when your high school crush takes someone else to the prom or when a loved one passes away but rather the pain I’m referring to is actual physical pain. Whether it is from an injury, a chronic medical condition, or a physical deformity, pain is real.  Pain is also subjective.  What one person feels as nothing major may be the worst pain of someone’s life.  I live with chronic pain every day, all day.  I have a spine that is degenerating at a rapid rate, at 40 I have already been diagnosed (5 years ago) with osteoporosis, I also have an autoimmune disease that affects my joints and muscles, I have chronic migraines that leave me unable to get out of bed, and I have MS. 

I tell you this not to seek sympathy but to say that yes, pain is real, pain is subjective.  I take opioid medications, I get steroidal medications injected into my spine, I take anti-inflammatory medications, do acupuncture, yoga, try not to eat certain foods, I do all of this and still have pain.  For years Doctor’s did not believe that my pain was as severe as I said. and that I was just seeking pain medication.  I mean how could I have the type of pain I was describing and still be a mother, wife, teacher, friend….well I became good at faking it, at minimizing my own pain to suit other people’s needs.

One night I was in so much back pain that I actually considered taking my own life, I sat against a wall in my house with a bottle of pills and considered leaving my children motherless, making my husband a widow, ending my life because of the physical pain I was feeling….this was a turning point, this was the point when I decided I needed better care than I was receiving.   Not long after I went to the Dr and let it all out, I yelled, cried, made her see what the pain was doing to my life.  After this display of emotions, I quickly apologized and thankfully she accepted and understood.  Thankfully with her knowledge she was able to find a Dr who not only understood and saw the reasons I was in such awful pain, but agreed to take me on as a patient.  Has he taken all my pain away, no BUT he has helped me manage it and be able to be a mother to my children, and lead a semi productive life.  Again, I share these details not looking for sympathy but in an age where pain is highly overlooked as a way to get “high” from the medications I feel that those of us who suffer everyday need to raise awareness of the real pain epidemic in this world. 

As I sit writing this I am in the midst of a several day migraine episode, so awful at one point that it hurt to touch my forehead, yes I have regular medication I take when I feel a migraine coming on but after being on it for over 10+ years it no longer works as well.  Yes I did do all the “old wives tales” tricks to help it go away, everything from drinking a double espresso to wrapping my head in ice (I’ve become an expert at sleeping like this), I went to the ER and received narcotics to help break it up, everything I can think of.  Currently my Dr has me trying a new migraine medicine, and a 7 day pack of steroids to break up the migraine.  Along with caffeine and ice this seems to be helping not relieving but making me able to function somewhat. 

Again, I don’t want sympathy but I hope to help people understand that the pain epidemic is a legitimate issue, and to some, the use of pain medications, used responsibly, is a necessity.

  The pain medication abuse epidemic in America, as well as the high profile deaths of celebrities who were found to have accidentally overdosed on prescription painkillers has made it bad for people like me who are in real chronic pain, and need to use prescription strength painkillers to achieve some sort of relief from my constant pain.  Some may classify me as a pill addict, or having a pill addiction problem, but to that I say, I am not a pill addict, I am an addict of not living in pain and if a pill helps me with that then so be it.  If a certain medication that is classified as an opiate makes me able to be there for my children and my family I am fine with that.  These are medications I will most likely be on for the rest of my life, I have never in 5 years asked for an increase of dosage, never have asked for a refill sooner than was authorized, I take my medicine as prescribed, and if a day happens when I don’t need a dose or two that’s great, I can recognize that.  If a day happens to be especially painful for one reason or another I can recognize that and have adequate medicine available if I have to take extra; all of this I do for me, for my family.  I have never been in bed so “drugged” that I cannot tend to my children (with this current migraine episode excluded, and it wasn’t medications that prevented me from getting up, it was the pain from the migraine).  I get up every day, work, do as much as I physically can, yes most days I overdue it but what mom doesn’t. 

I still encounter people that don’t believe I am in real pain, that I can be a living, breathing person and be in as much pain as I claim, I’m done trying to convince them that again (my) pain is real and subjective.  I have people telling me to just push through the pain, and when I can I do, but I will not sacrifice my health to satisfy someone else’s perception of what I should be doing.  I know my body and what it is capable of, it was capable to carry two babies, it is capable of putting one foot in front of the other, it is capable of writing my stories to share, it is capable of so much but most days it is not capable of being in pain. Pain affects every part of your being, your mental health, your physical health, the relationship with your spouse and peers, and perhaps most importantly your children. 

I hope by sharing this part of my story I can help someone else, as with all my real life posts I share.  If you are in pain just know you don’t have to live a life in pain.  There are lots of homeopathic treatments, opiate treatments, alternative treatments you can seek out.  Don’t let anyone; whether it is a Dr, nurse, family member or stranger undermine how you feel, they aren’t you.  Their pain is different from yours, even if affects the same part of their body, pain is subjective and I encourage you to seek out a Dr who will help you lead a life where you can enjoy living.  I will always believe you, I understand you, I sympathize with you whether you are 15 or 75 you don’t have to live a life in pain be it chronic or episodic.

I recently told Mr.O that one of my fears is that when H&Z look back on their childhood they will only remember their mama as being in pain, not able to do stuff with them, not play as much as other moms do, or not run at the playground with them.  After 20 years together I love that he can reassure me by telling me that they will remember a mom who read to them, did crafts with them, who did as much as she possibly could to ensure they had a great childhood.  As long as they remember and I remember “The Little Things” I think we will be fine…..

A Photo Session for Me

Having a neighbor who is a professional photographer has its advantages. Like when she wants to practice some new techniques and asks you to be her model, this is exactly what happened on a recent evening.  Stephanie is the owner of StarLight Photography which is based in North Kingstown, RI. She specializes in weddings, but also does a variety of photography including family portraits, children’s photo sessions and glamovers.  She is very professional and will offer you different suggestions so that your photo session goes smoothly and the pictures come out beautifully. 

On the particular evening she photographed me she did what I called a “mini glamover”.  She did my hair and makeup in such a way that made me still look like me, just fancier.  I wore my own clothes so I was comfortable and natural looking.  Stephanie photographed me outside as the sun was setting, which gave my pictures a glow and look that I like.  Now for the actual pictures, I will let them speak for themselves….

 

                                          This is one of my favorite pictures, I love the way
                                          the sun is just setting, and gives off the glow that I
                                          mentioned earlier.

 

                                        I love photographs taken by the water.  All of the photos

                                        in this post were taken right outside of a residential
                                        community in North Kingstown, RI.

Not always so little

When I first decided to start writing a blog my hope was to point out all the little things that can go without realizing in our daily lives, the things that make our days easier, our lives simpler, our time more valuable.  The little things that can sometimes make you stop and say “at least….”.  When I first set out to write a blog I was a mom of 2 toddlers, I was a mom of 2 toddlers who were home with me all day, I was a wife of someone that was healthy, that had a fairly decent job, I was worried about our future (as all moms are) but knew things would get better, that we would move to a better house, a better community, that our children would go great schools (this is where being a teacher and a mom sucks) there was hope. 

 Today I am a mom of 2 children who attend school (one part-time preschool, one full time first grade), I am a wife to a husband who never knows when a seizure will strike (despite being on medication),  I am trying to hold my world together while falling apart inside, we are in a new house that we prematurely thought was going to be a great move for us and turned out to be not so great, my children are in great schools with amazing teachers who love them, we like so many American’s are fighting a losing battle with the economy.

 As I sit typing this Mr. O is preparing to take a leave of absence from work again (code: go back to on TDI) to focus on his health, something I know he has to do but at the same time scaring the life out me, leaving me with more questions than answers, leaving me more stressed than reassured, leaving me more short tempered with my children than I ever wanted to be.  I’m not writing this down because I’m looking for sympathy, or looking for a shoulder to cry on, I’m writing this down because it is what is in my heart right now.

 Right now all of the little things have added up to one big thing, a big thing that is completely out of my control, a big thing that has me worried.  So for now instead of taking one day at a time I need to take one hour at a time and if that is too much than I will cut it down and take 15 minutes at a time. I will try to make sure my children aren’t aware of the craziness that is happening around them, make sure that they always come first, make sure that I try to find at least one little things each day to be thankful for.

 

Well Being Wednesday 5/15

Well Being Wednesday!!!!  Today was supposed to be a weigh in day for me, but a poor nights sleep and a hurried morning caused me to forget.  Hopefully tomorrow morning will not be as hurried and I will remember, although I am sure the scale will display the same 3 numbers.....

This week I am sharing the post I wrote last week for the website www.perfectlyimperfectmamas.com

I am hoping to reach some new readers who are also starting to find themselves again.. 

On June 15, 2007 at 11:46 my life changed forever, that was the moment my first born graced is with his prescience and made me a Mama. In the six years since I have had another child, (a daughter this time) lost both my grandparents to cancer, dealt with post Partum depression, got news that I have an incurable (but manageable) brain disease, my husbands own medical problems, and so on and so forth. Why am I sharing this information with you, because I want to say that the one person I haven't taken care of is ME!!!!!!! I have had routine health care, tests and such but nothing to really focus on the one part of me that needs help. 

I have been focusing on everything and everyone else, except for me. I have helped family and friends, take care of my children, I have managed schedules and schlepped to appointments. As my husband says "she keeps the boat afloat", and he's right but I also need to keep myself afloat and right now I feel like I'm drowning. Drowning in a sea of emotions, in a sea of fear, in a sea of not being accepted. You might be asking "why is she fearing not being accepted"??? Well that's easy I am a people pleaser, always have been. It is important for me to feel accepted by my peers and family both personally and professionally. Why, I don't know. I have often said why would anybody not like me. I'm helpful, honest, caring, heck I'd give you the shirt off my back or my last dollar if you needed it but you know one thing I've learned after 37 years is that everyone isn't that way, and yes it upsets me and I need to learn how to deal with that fact. 

Someone said to me recently "I would have never guessed you have so much emotional baggage, you are always happy". That's me too, always "faking it until I make it", which is a lot harder than it seems. The truth is I'm not happy. Let me clarify, I'm a happy person who has gotten good at hiding her emotions very well, I am always worried about other people's happiness and not my own. I don't know how to be truly happy with myself anymore. All of this has lead me to the decision to start finding me, finding the happy person I used to be, to deal with the leftover post Partum depression I'm still fighting, to deal with not saying goodbye to my grandparents, to deal with my illness, all of which will help me be a better Mama to my children. I have been fortunate enough to meet a therapist that I like, that I can cry with, that I trust, that I just clicked with. And I am ready to take this journey, whatever it leads to, or wherever it leads me, I'm ready. 

In January of this year when Michele C asked if I wanted to join another friend of ours in accomplishing the goal of getting healthy I said "sure", never thinking I would be focusing more on my mental/emotional health than my physical health. Yes, I am exercising more, paying more attention to what I am eating, drinking more water but right now the most important thing is for me to get my emotional health in order. To get these weights off my shoulders and I have a feeling once I do that I will a lot lighter and my physical health will come more into focus. 

Friday Funnies....

TGIF!!!! To wrap up this week I thought I would share some of the funny things the littles have said recently. Whether in the car or in the bath they always have something to say.

H recently explained how some baby animals eat "Baby reindeer drink from their mothers corks, just like baby cows". I've never heard it explained like that before.

"It wouldn't be cold in the garage if we put a hot air conditioner in there".

One day while flipping channels Z had this to share with me "Mommy you should buy that mascara and look like Lady Gaga".

At dinner recently H said "see these pieces of food? Well they are a little shy about going to my stomach, so is it ok if I just throw them away?"

During a game of Hungry Hungry Hippos H says "I've lost my marbles, where are they?" Ummm I will let you know when I find mine I wanted to say!!!!!

Last night Z says to her Bubby "I'm done with these necklaces, can I put them in your dressing room?"

As the saying goes "from the mouths of babes", kids say the darnedest things!!! What are the funny things you have heard from a child recently? Have a great weekend and remember to enjoy the little things....

Live in the Moment

Live in the moment, such a short sentence 4 words in fact that can change a persons whole day, whole year, whole life. That is what I'm trying so hard to do, Live In The Moment. Not to worry so much what I have to do or where I have to go next, not worrying about the future and what it may or may not hold both for me and my family. I'm good at telling other people they need to do that very thing at various points during life, so why is it that I have such hard time doing just that? Why do I have a hard time living in the moment?

What does it mean to Live in the Moment? Does it mean to forget about the dishes that need to be done so that you can play, to forget about the loads of laundry that need to be folded and allowing yourself to do something fun instead or does it mean to not worry about getting clothes dirty while digging in the garden? I've come to realize this simple sentence can mean different things to everyone.
For me it means not folding the laundry and play matchbox cars with H, or not cleaning my bedroom because Z wants me to color with her. One night it meant doing something that wasn't planned but turned out great when Mr. O said (while getting ready for a night out) "lets go get our tattoo's tonight we have nothing else planned".

When my children were babies it seemed so much easier for me to live in the moment, wanting to witness every step, every coo, every word, but as the children have gotten older it seems harder for me to do this. It seems we live in a world where we always have a reason not to be present or in the moment. Whether it is a work commitment, or a phone call that needs to be made, there is always a reason.

I want to be a mother who is busy creating memories instead of missing them, I want to be in the moment and appreciate whatever is going on, I want to Live in the Moment whatever the moment brings. Now I know it isn't going to be as easy to do this as I am making it seem, but I am going to try to be more in the moment. And just in case I forget I have my newest Alex and Ani bracelet to remind me. Right now I am off to go play restaurant with my babies....
What does Live in the Moment mean to you? How do you live in the moment?