Well Being Wednesday!!!! Today was supposed to be a weigh in day for me, but a poor nights sleep and a hurried morning caused me to forget. Hopefully tomorrow morning will not be as hurried and I will remember, although I am sure the scale will display the same 3 numbers.....
This week I am sharing the post I wrote last week for the website www.perfectlyimperfectmamas.com
I am hoping to reach some new readers who are also starting to find themselves again..
On June 15, 2007 at 11:46 my life changed forever, that was the moment my first born graced is with his prescience and made me a Mama. In the six years since I have had another child, (a daughter this time) lost both my grandparents to cancer, dealt with post Partum depression, got news that I have an incurable (but manageable) brain disease, my husbands own medical problems, and so on and so forth. Why am I sharing this information with you, because I want to say that the one person I haven't taken care of is ME!!!!!!! I have had routine health care, tests and such but nothing to really focus on the one part of me that needs help.
I have been focusing on everything and everyone else, except for me. I have helped family and friends, take care of my children, I have managed schedules and schlepped to appointments. As my husband says "she keeps the boat afloat", and he's right but I also need to keep myself afloat and right now I feel like I'm drowning. Drowning in a sea of emotions, in a sea of fear, in a sea of not being accepted. You might be asking "why is she fearing not being accepted"??? Well that's easy I am a people pleaser, always have been. It is important for me to feel accepted by my peers and family both personally and professionally. Why, I don't know. I have often said why would anybody not like me. I'm helpful, honest, caring, heck I'd give you the shirt off my back or my last dollar if you needed it but you know one thing I've learned after 37 years is that everyone isn't that way, and yes it upsets me and I need to learn how to deal with that fact.
Someone said to me recently "I would have never guessed you have so much emotional baggage, you are always happy". That's me too, always "faking it until I make it", which is a lot harder than it seems. The truth is I'm not happy. Let me clarify, I'm a happy person who has gotten good at hiding her emotions very well, I am always worried about other people's happiness and not my own. I don't know how to be truly happy with myself anymore. All of this has lead me to the decision to start finding me, finding the happy person I used to be, to deal with the leftover post Partum depression I'm still fighting, to deal with not saying goodbye to my grandparents, to deal with my illness, all of which will help me be a better Mama to my children. I have been fortunate enough to meet a therapist that I like, that I can cry with, that I trust, that I just clicked with. And I am ready to take this journey, whatever it leads to, or wherever it leads me, I'm ready.
In January of this year when Michele C asked if I wanted to join another friend of ours in accomplishing the goal of getting healthy I said "sure", never thinking I would be focusing more on my mental/emotional health than my physical health. Yes, I am exercising more, paying more attention to what I am eating, drinking more water but right now the most important thing is for me to get my emotional health in order. To get these weights off my shoulders and I have a feeling once I do that I will a lot lighter and my physical health will come more into focus.